Perfection and Shame

Perfectionism shows up in my coaching sessions from time to time. We usually discuss its value (why), impact (what), challenges to let go, and options to meet the needs (how). Its relationship with shame didn’t cross my mind until I read the book “Atlas of the Heart”.

Brené Brown wrote –

“Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.”

“Perfectionism is externally driven by a simple but potentially all-consuming question: What will people think?”

“Perfectionism kills curiosity by telling us that we have to know everything or we risk looking “less than.” Perfectionism tells us that our mistakes and failures are personal defects, so we either avoid trying new things or we barely recover every time we inevitably fall short.”

Yes. These statements resonated when I reflected on the perfectionism conversations; such as, being unwilling to take risk, disliking uncertainty, and being too rigid to be agile.. And the feeling of personal defects reflects shame and triggers self-blaming, such as “I am bad”, “What’s wrong with me?”

However, knowing our body, mind and brain all play a role in who we are,  I can’t stop thinking how our temperament plays a role in forming perfectionism. Could our brain structure make a difference?

Dan Seigel talks about temperament based on neuroscience as follows

“ A temperament is an inborn or innate propensity of the brain; includes sensitivity and intensity. A trigger is needed to activate neuron firing.That’s called sensitivity. If you are highly sensitive, you are going to activate a neural system more frequently, and the trigger amount, i.e. the intensity of the outside /inside trigger can determine the degree of activation.”

So,  is perfectionism all about caring for external perception emotionally? Or can it be shaped from how sensitive and intensive our nervous system is? My guess is both. I will continue to explore the topic and I am curious – what’s your thought?